Don't let them know....you let your chin fall

Okay so I have to be one of the most pessimistic people you'll ever meet.

My trip was very good. I got in Friday night around 4pm and like we went to subway, went to the store. Went home played some Wii games, then we just sat in silence for a while and worked on our computers. RENT playing in the background. Didn't get asleep till 3am, woke up at 9am ish x.x Then we went to the mall, went to an Anime Store, played DDR at the Arcade in the Mall. I got new shoes and some earrings, as I said, what I've been wanting all year.

We went bowling later that night after we went to dinner, and I almost killed myself on my new heels, but i like them so it's all cool.

We played and it was FUN!! There was this old dude though trhat kept looking at me >.< WTF?!~

Then sunday we got up early and went to see Sweeney Todd <3 Alan Rickman + Johnny Depp = me a pile of GOO! That was fucking awesome, Alan didn't get enough screen time though ._.

Checked out hot guys, look didn't touch. We then went over to my new adoptive brother Noah's house. Played Mario Party for the Wii, got my ass kicked. I was in first and at the end of the game Noah got awarded two stars and me only one, and I was winning by one, so yeah. He had more coins ._.

I bought the Kingdom Hearts II sound track <3 Luvo

I got a pair of Shoes - Vans, and pair of Stelleto Heels, <3 and some titanium earrings. Went to bed around 6am this morning and woke up around ten. I swear, my sleepng pattern has been shite. I haven't slept more that 4 - 6 hours a night.

Went back to Noah's today, played his DS while ashley and him talked. Talked with him when she went to work. Nice intellectual convo - he helped me with words I couldn't pronounce. Talked about his time in Tokyo, was awesome.

Got on the bus, and did the three hour drive here. I was comfy this time though. But My CDplayer died half way home FAIL!!! it sucked xD

Then I came home, got a high elationess feeling, turned music on and jumped around like an idiot. Then I drank two...or three xD glasses of champaign.

I splinted my dog's leg because he still can't use it, and put some ice on it too, and he's not shaking it off so it may feel good to him, usually he shakes things like that off. Now I'm blogging because I'm bored

Also when I came home, my pets were dying....my bunny hasn't eaten since I left. My birds didn't have any food/water and Peaches (the albino female - who NEVER makes noise) was bawking like a chicken with it's head cut off xD

But what else am I to expect? They're a bunch of irresponsible, uncaring, slobs who rely only and ever on me to get things done. But it's alright, because it makes me stronger. I'm not learning a lesson because they want me too, because I was bad or because I deserve it. I'm chose and am choosing this lesson so that when I am older, I remember to be nothing like them. And if the people I know are. Then I will know how to deal with it.

I thought about that the whole way home. I spent three hours...thinking about my life. And everyone else...they celebrate the turn of the year. Well, inwardly, I'm celebrating, reinforcing, and realizing this today.

They can only help me, or hinder me, if I choose to allow it. I can be me, whether they like it or not, and the only one who can stop that. Is me, and even then, I may not even believe myself.

Changes over the year
I became more dependant, but also more dettached from my family/friends
Short cuts in school
Less cutting
more learning
more clinical
A little less confused
More stronger
I go out less
I write more

Goals
To be happy with myself
Get my liscence
Get a job
Pass with a 4.0 for uni/highschool
Make it through the year.
Enjoy life
Finish my book - my poetry and Childhood Lessons
Talk on my own level - stop adapting so other people (mostly uneducated) can understand me
Gain a bigger vocabulary

I guess I'll update this as I complete them. WIth a new post of course. I hope every is standing on their own two feet later today, and that you do not have such a hangover. I know I will *stage whisper*

I also hope that the resolutions that you set for yourself stay, and that everyone is able to reach for their goals and dreams, because like I said: only you can allow yourself to be held back.

I hope that everyone on my friends list, stays on my friend list.

And of course. LONG LIVE SLASH!!! And Harry Potter, even though his legacy ended 7.21.07 he still lives on for the fans...especially the slashers. Epecially. The. Slashers. <3

Happy New Year all!

Though, I would ask you do not wish me the same, until the end of this year - 2008 - because I am just beginning to stand on my own two feet, and until I change myself, for myself, I'm not much enjoying the end of 2007. It was miserable. Why celebrate it?

Anyway, again, Happy New Year.

Okay, so I made it to my friend's house safely, but I'm tired as all hell, probably comes from not sleeping well last night, but alas. That's then, this is now. It's only 930 and i'm totally out x.x

TT_TT I want to sleep but I don't which sucks. So Talk to you all later.

Well...today's my last day in Ohio for a while...to me at least.

I'll be going some 200 - 300 miles away from home, and no one cares, really. Today I wanted to spend time with my parents, go out to dinner, have some semblance of normality, but yet I must ask my self, what is normal? If you have no one to compare to, what is insanity? What is eternal damnation? Lol, A little to much Twilight i think, but alas. It was a horrible even. My mother - by blood, I've never really liked her - took my father and me to the bar, and we stayed there for five hours. It was horrible, after awhile I put my hood on and put my head on the table I told my papa to "Take me home, or I'm walking home." he stood there stupidly so I walked home, and when I got home my dog was hurt.

Someone hurt my dog, he couldn't/can't walk. When I saw him at the top of the stairs, his head down, his ears flat and his right hind leg hanging in the air. I got down on my knees, and felt the tears come, I sat in the hallway holding my doggy crying as he whimpered. I'm so sad, so angry. I know these feelings, they're nothing new. Neither are the actions that cause them.

I also go into a bout with my dad. He was mad at my mom, and I had to yell at him, because someone I barely even KNOW was trying to get me to talk with her because she saw how miserable I was. "You okay? 'Cuz if you're not you can yell at me. Yell at me that you're not okay." and I just gave that fake smile and told her I was fine.

But back to the tiff with my dad, he was angry at my mom and was like "Sure you don't want a quick sandwich?" and I was like "No, just take me home," he picked me up half way home : /

so I did get in the car, and I had to yell at him as he rambled at himself, "You act as if she's going to change! You knew this was going to happen! Her taking me along is her way of saying 'oh i'm not ignoring her.....much!' I hate this mockery of a family. I hope you like the one you've come into at the bar because you sure as hell don't have one here," and I slammed my car door on him, and went in side. Which leg to my dog and my mental break down on the phone with my friend I'm going to tomorrow.

I couldn't even get the words out, I just cried, and cried and cried and now my head still hurts, and I want to do something besides sleep. I want to write. I want all this emotion to be gone. I like feeling empty, this turmoil is slowly leading up to something i don't want to deal with.

I don't want to take college classes again, i don't want that stress anymore, it's hard enough just living here.

I'm actually afraid to start my next semester. I mean I know I got a 4.0 GPA this past semester, but I'm still scared witless. I was so accustom to taking short cuts last semester, and I don't think that'll work this time. I mean Eng 1020, Political/Governmental Science, and IT 1010. I'm petrified!

FUCK HOLIDAYS! I tried, I TRIED to get into the Christmas spirit, to help my family and the only thing I got was yelled at. And yeah, I'm a little upset that all I got for Christmas was a pair of school pants, which I've been asking for all year and a DVD. And I Also know that its the time of year of giving and not receiving but FUCK THIS!!

I cleaned and I mean I went all out! I cleaned the dinning room, the living room, got on my hands and knees and scrubbed the carpet, wrapped all the presents. I even cleaned and cooked in/the kitchen. All I got was bitched at. My mother just about tore my fucking head off any chance she got, and when she wasn't down stairs yelling at me she was upstairs sleeping even though they were HER guests.

Then my brother came over and she has the nerve to put him down in front of me. I've sort of started disliking my brother without even knowing him just because my mother hates him, and because my mother hates him I'm not apart of my nieces life. And then she comes down stairs again after sleeping and started screaming how no one left her food for lunch tomorrow at work or how no one saved her any or made her this or made her that. Then she started yelling once my brother left.

Then I come to find out I left my messenger bag at school which just ruined everything because I'm going on a trip Friday out of state and that's my favourite bag and I forgot it, and my celtic ring is missing. I tried looking for both and when It came down to it I just went in my room and cried, I'm crying now, I'm never having Christmas here again. I don't care if they're my family. This happens every year. And it only gets worse and worse.

I hate it, I hate it so much. I also got yelled at for not cleaning even though my parents are the ones that went out and drank for fifteen hours so they couldn't wake up the next day. It's not worth it. It's just not.

Okay, so like last night I was having insomnia, and around eh 3am/0300, I was getting ready to go to sleep, FINALLY.

WHEN MY DA STARTED MOANING AND TALKING IN HIS SLEEEEP. LMFAO it was funny, but I wanted to sleep ._. And it wasn't even about nothing, it was like he was eating the best food in the world, or....I dunno. It was dumb, so I couldn't sleep then. I turned my music up even more, and got to bed around 6:30 am. My mum woke me up at 7:30am TT_TT

THEN when we agreed I wasn't going to school. People kept calling. I went back to sleep around 9am, and was called like four times!!! so i finally gave up around 1pm and dragged my arse outta bed....well off the floor, I sleep on a futon.

<3 I have christmas presents for my friends, but I'm still unsure as what to get my friend Anna, Ashley, and Bryan... or Fritz. Just know it's not going to be anything expensive. I'm broker than a cracked window.

I finished the christmas Tree finally, made some wreathes, and hung lights around the house, and wrapped all my family's presents.

I'm making pigs in a blanket tonight with my mum, always good. ALWAYS. <3

I'm going to take pictures/ have -- of the tree, so they may be in this post or another, all depends on how whatever i get.

I was also tying wire - to hang/make ornaments. My dad kept saying I had to do it because I was percise and good with my hands. I took it as a compliment.

And the other day we were talking and he clearly said "It being just me and my little girl makes the hols worth while, your mum's at work, your brothers are gone, and its just us."

I WAS SOOOOO HAPPPPPY <3 TT_TT My chest hurt from teh love, lol.

Oh Em Gee, it stormed!!!!!!!!!!! LIke a lot, the roads are terrible, there's like eight inches of snow, and it RAINED last night. I was WTF, where'd the snow go?

Because it was thunder storming, and then BAMMMMMMM snow blizzard, and my family came over, unannounced I guess it was okay though, and even though I've been sleeping a lot. I feel like I haven't slept in weeks. SO it's like WTF why can't I just...You know sleep and feel okay. Because my head has hurt a LOT and so does my back. My dad says it because of the weather but Whatever. It really doesn't matter all that much. I only have five days of school left I'm so happy.

Then christmas THEN I GET TO GO TO MY SISTER ASHLEY'S HOUSE!!! YAY!!!

My head is killing me though. I'm watching the football err...the one with the weird looking ball not soccer, and someone from Cleveland threw a snowball at a player from buffalo when the came into the N-zone. It was funny. Some random person in the stands NAILED the quarter back in the back of the head with a snow ball.

XD Oh Em Gee, so funny. It's bloody cold too! And I typed this whole thing without looking YAY!!! I got better.

But I have a Biology test tomorrow and I know NOTHING about what we're being tested on.

Last night we (my mum, dad, and me) watched movies. Harry Potter OoTP YAY!! and That movie with Bruce Willis that just came out. Die hard or something <3 was facking awesome

Let me give the Low down.

Friday my parents went out around 6pm, came back at 4:30 am. Went out Saturday morning around 1, and then we all came home around six, they went back out and got home at one. Then Sunday they went out around 1pm again, and came home around 5am. And at first they weren't even going to get us dinner even though they went out and ate like kings.

I ate, but not everything because I had downed a lot of pills to force my self to sleep. I was sad, and angry. Suicidal hate I call it. Because it only comes with the role. I guess I am though. *shrugs* It doesn't seem so bad, well it is, but I live with it. I feel like a doll, and I felt hate all weekend, but now I just feel tired, tired and unless. I've already given up without knowing it.

They say they won't do it again, that they won't go out, that they won't drink, that they won't be angry, or hateful, or blame us for nothing, or scream just to feel satisfied that they have someone to blame. But they do.

It's so dumb. It's fucking retarded. I wish I could leave!! And not come back!

I did that once. They were calling me during school just to yell at me. God I fucking hate it here.

I'm not the type of person to kill Myself though.
I'd probably kill them. <3 god I would bask in theirs.

Alright, our school keeps getting teachers taken away by the district. We have nine teachers for thirty two classes PLUS!!!

We MARCHED down there today, the Board of Education, that is from our highschool which is fifty streets PLUS away and demanded a conference.

They talked down to us like we were stupid second graders. We protested ALL day yesterday, and did the march today.

THEY DID NOT LISTEN. They heard but it went in one ear and out the other.

I was crying, like almost obnoxiously. I want teachers, I want an education. They won't let us have one.

They have 20 plus officers escort us out of the building. Forced us on to buses.

We told them, we marched here. We'll march back. They told us if we did we'd get fines for truency - *getting out of school or being out of school without permission during school hours* Its anywhere from a 100 - 200 dollar fine. That's probably about....400 for you Fritz if you did the exchange.

When we got back to the building they LOCKED US DOWN. We had police at every exit, and patrolling the hall ways. If you weren't in class, you were fined, and arrested.

I walked in the back door, pushed past the police and walked right out the front.

Walked around the school and back in.

"We're just as serious as you, now get off me." its what I said to one of the security guards that grabbed me when I walked in the second time.

Its not right, not at all.

It's all over the news too. Every channel 3,5,8,19,43 and the Plain Dealer.

Nothings being done. Period.

My picture fits my mood...

I looked at the women who addressed us as I cried, and I screamed. "Why won't you listen to the students you work for!?" Yeah, security guards don't like it when you do that.

You know that saying? It only gets worse before it gets better?

Its a fucking lie!

Okay. Let's go through today's events.

Wake up at 6 stay in bed till six thirty then spend twenty something minuntes in the bathroom gaging because my stomach is KILLING ME.

The at like 6:54am I rush down stairs andn scream for my brother to get up because his bus is going to be there in like 2 mins. Go back up stairs gag some more. Tell my dad I'm laying back down. Stay in bed till eight and end up and hour late to class - got there at nine.

Then I find out that my best friend has been keeping things from me and she's afraid to tell me because she thinks I'll disown her. That fucked me up. Good. She's my only friend here, and now. I don't thinnk we're anything at all. And she gave me a contact buzz today because she had me smell weed she had in her backpack without telling me what it was so like. History is a blur. And I was loopy.

So after all of this I find out my mom quit her job. *head fucking desk*

She makes anywhere between 22-32 dollars an hour. I'm sorry. Made. And we had free hospitalization and medicare or whatever and now we're on my dad's salary of 30,000 a year with credit cards to the max and no money. Or food.

Nor do I have any clothes that fit me so. I'm stuck with one pair of black pants, a pair of cargo pants. One in camoflage, and the other in navy blue. And one white shirt. Period. that's all of my clothes.

And it has to be the date.

September 11th. Down to the DAY. It was Tuesday September 11th 2001 that then twin towers attacked. We had a very long discussion on that in History today.

I was like, can we move on? It...was crazy. and......I feel lost. Its all a blur of school work and sleeping. I talked with someone I haven't in a while and it goes to show how closed off I am. People fucking suck anyway.

Later.

Okay, so homework is dunnnnn dunnnn done! Woot! Bath and bed now.

I'm so happy. I had that piercing I had to let heal. But it didn't or wouldn't because it was used to being a hole so I'm back to four piercings instead of two. YAY.

Politics suck. And that...is my final opinion.

Oyasumi Nasai minnaaaa

Okay, the next time my family wants to get together and have an outing. I'm going to tell them to go on a head and leave me be.

We decided to go camping, for this party and like...it rained. Non-stop for three days. I met someone up there and I was actually a good three hours late, but she's not mad, I don't think.

Tequilla is good. Just straight. No salt. No lime. Just the drink. *nods* I like it. I drank down two and a half bottles with my dad. Then he was sloshed. I was still pretty sober.

He fell over on the way back to camp and even though we were laughing I tried to help him up and he said "Hold on...haha.. let me laugh at myself for a minute." So then when I helped him up we both went down. I slepted through the leaking tent and second degree burns I scored myself.

I disected a fish this weekend, my brother caught like three fish. They were like twenty something pounds all together. He had two steel heads, and a rainbow trout.

I woke up in a puddle...like literally. The tent had leaked so badly that the sleeping bags were soaked: everyone but my friend and I had forgotten blankets so my dad ended up going to Walmart to get bags and pillows. They got soaked reguardless though. The dogs were wet all weekend and sleep more than anyone.

My dad ended up crashing, literally, head first into the tent, and by the time I covered him up and took his shoes off he was asleep.

Then my brother and I, being the rivals that we are, ended up laughing at him because he kept moaning loudly in his sleep for more alcohol. And every time he did we felt like little children in trouble for staying awake to long. I was the last one asleep and the first one to wake up.

3am - 6am. And my back hurts so much. I lost my jump drive to so any new updates, anyone was expecting. *laughs* Sorry.

Now I'm waiting at intravels to dry the sleeping back, and perhaps chance upon my jump drive. *sighs*

Anyway. Its time to change the dry, and maybe throw some clothes into the washer. So I will talk to everyone later.

Posted at LJ, IJ, GJ.

Okay so...panic is gone. XD I got alll of my College work done. YAY!

I'm going to start having a dream journal so. Be warned!

*le sigh* okay so I got dragged into one of those 'Labor Day Family Picnics' God help me. *looks up and rolls eyes*

I only got two hours of sleep last night. They were dragging me up the fucking WALL last night.

So I'm waiting on my mum at the moment. Old and slow. I loathe the day.

It sucks too because my friend and I were writing a fanfiction where Voldemort can turn into a cat, and he gets Harry unsuspectingly. And...yeah. I suppose getting gone down on by a house cat or lion is beastiality so yeah. It was HOT though and I had to stop because I thought we were going but yeah. Still waitiing.

Anyway, Happy Labor to all who celebrate it and if not Happy Sunday.

Later all.

( The interaction I had with Ghosts today....alll fucking true. And this isn't even all of it. )



Okay so yeah. I was exhausted after that and when I fell asleep EVERYTHING stopped. And like the fire in the back was going and someone kept touching me so i was like boys go turn the fire off, and they did and it ceased. XD woah.

Talk about a crazy day.

its all true though, so believe what you will. If not than I am insane~

Well, I guess its a brand new day. Go to school, act like nothing happened. Get through my back to back class and come home to enjoy my three day weekend. Well talk to you guys later, I need to get ready, well finish anyway. I'm dressed, but I have to gather my books.

I do wish I could go back too sleep though. ._.

Okay, so i don't feel like shooting myself, at least for now. I took a nap. Cooled down, did a third of my homework and ate. Now I have 40 pages of IT and a good 100 of HIST.

So I guess that's all.

I need slash.

I'm suppose to be doing English and IT homework right now, but I'm too upset to concentrate.

I'm on a war path right now. I'm so close to crying. I woke up feeling horrible. Now I'm on a mission of self bloody destruction today.

I was sitting with the rest of the out casts in a free period ; shane, and shontese; sean and myself.

Well shance and I are self mutilators. I stopped a while a go, but I cannot deny I like inflicting of recieving pain. Well, shane was messing around, talkikng about some of his scars and someone said; "Just don't bleed on me.," Well out techer, Docter Carter heard and she was like, "No bleeding in my room." Well later at the end of the class he bit himself and sucked. The blood that was going to run to the bite to flush out infection was sucked out since he didn't break the skin.

Well he landed in the office. The city police and an ambulence showed up.

I had to write a fucking REPORT on my best fucking friend. It was betrayal clean and simple. I'm ready to cry. I don't want to be here. I need to leave school I need to be with him. I need to hug him and apologize until I can't talk anymore.

I'm literally shaking. I can't hold the pen I'm writing with now.

I had to write a comment/statement that could get my best fucking friend locked in a hospital.

Jessica and I are all he really has. I can't fucking deal with this right now.

He was dragged out of the school by the police and taken to the psyche ward. They found cuts and scars while examining the bite.

And to top off the fucking cake...

My grandma's in the hospital with a blood clot on his lung.

I want to fucking shoot myself.

Well, contrary to my last post, I feel sort of elated.

When I said close friends, not only did I mean close to me, but around where I am. I have two reallly good friends and an awesome Fritz. *grins* Jessie and Fritz managed to put me on a cloud that isn't going to disappate till way later today. I'm happy I only have ONE class today. If I had to do Back to Back classes like yesterday, I'd die from brain over load.

I slept six hours, and anyone, every, catchs me up that late again. Shoot me in your place of choosing and force me to go to bed.

My brain is literally screaming at me.

I guess I just need to wait till my coffee and mountain dew code red kick in.

Well off for the day. talk to you all later.

I think this is post three....

Man, I just realized something, and please do not try to argue it.

I have no close friends, or friends at all. I'm an out cast. I don't mind so much because I LOVE burying myself in work, especially education, but...its awkward when I go up to people I know and say Hi. All conversation ceases and they don't start up again till I leave.

And even the people I WAS friends with or had a bond to are drifting away. I lose faster then people drop pennies.

I want to learn Japanese, Latin, and Spanish; if I have anymore time, brain power or money left. I'd like to learn the rest of the romantics. French, Italian, et cetra.

Woah my life is depressing. Lol.

I'm suppose to be in advanced Biology, but my school sucks hard so I'm stuck in beginner's sophmore biology. How fun? *sarcasm people*

I dyed the ends of my hair Gryffindor red. In tribute to my last boyfriend. Cocky, outgoing, arragont, stupid, and fool hardy. The worst case senario of a gryffindor. Next will be blue, for my first love - a raven claw.

And...if it comes to it, then it'll be silver or green. I don't know anyone in hufflepuff but I had a slytherin that was in love with me. She said so, and...she was to scared to confirm anything, so after that we started drifting apart.

Look it me sittin' here reminicing. I'm ready to cry. I have people but, whatever....Yeah Fritz I know I'll get a comment from you, that's about all. You rock. Awesomely wicked. Lol.

But yeah. I have History tomorrow, don't have my books for Uni.

OMG I CANNOT BLOODY BELIEVE my english teacher. He changed the books so i have to return the ones I bought and get new ones. Damn him.

I've lost my sanity.