InsaneJournal

This shell I show
Will Never crack

Throw rocks
Throw objects
YELL
SCREAM
Lying conceit

I won't listen to your words,
They won't sing through
not my shell

It's perfect I tell you!

It won’t let anyone hurt me
I hug it around me like a blanket to the cold

your long winds won't stir me
your cold won't chill me

Rocks, hail can't hurt me I
have my blanket to cushion me

Your screams, your howls won't reach me
My blanket will muffle it all

Save me from your
Conceit
Your Anger
Your Hate

They won't hurt me
I've learned to protect myself!

Shedding my blanket
Letting down my shell
I'll smile and nod
I've learned to survive
without them

Throw Rocks
Throw Objects
Yell
SCREAM
Lying conceit

Your words can't reach me
because I stand on my own two feet
So I won't let them

You use to pick me up
Cradle me to your side

My stocking clad legs
Holding you as mine

My tiny feet
My short blonde hair
My brightly lit smile

Holidays would come
Making snow mans
Candy mans and
Snowflake paper mache

My tiny hand grasping your fingers
My shy attempt at hiding behind your legs

I was a doll
Asking you to be my marionette

But that’s not now is it?
I never laid my head in your lap

I never curled up with you
When I could not sleep

Now I hold your hand in mine

Missing my childhood
The chances I had to pretend you were my Santa clause

Now I ignore my audience
I walk alone in the crowd

I don’t play the games
Use scissors or glue
The candy goes unused

I still want to be able to curl up
Fight gallantly with you against my nightmares

I want to still be your little girl

Just what I’d knew I’d hear

No
How can a simple word
Hurt so much
After hearing it so long?

Disappointments
I know them
They’re the ones who bring me to my knees
Gasping for air

Tears in my eyes
But I will not let them fall

After so long
My frustrations turn to hate
And in turn hate turns to fear

I know these feelings
They aren’t foreign

They’re from those
Who hate me; when I smile
Make me guilty; of small pleasures

No
I’m not disappointed
I can’t hate anymore
My despair disappeared
The night I knew
You meant nothing

Your words are ones I understand

Disappointment
Freak
Outcast

They do disappoint me
They hurt

After them, I don’t want to come up for air

I want to grip my chest
Break my skin
Stare at the control I have over myself
Stare at my blood
Then know

Know that nothing
You say
Do
Or imply
Gives you this control over me

Only ever me

So no

I’m not disappointed in me
I do pity you though

I do not hate myself
I do not hate you
But I do know

That as you look at me
You hate yourself

I know don’t why
Even after all this,
I wish I could help you

I don’t despair for myself
No, I despair for you
For it is obvious you need this pity

You need some type of control
But
It doesn’t matter
Not to me
Not after this

I have my control
I know my limits

Unlike you
I push back
When they slam me to a halt

I know tears will do me no good
When I know you’re not worth it

I will keep my cheek in check
Only, though, because I know

My self sacrifice
Makes me the better of the two

You are in despair
Hate me in ways I cannot phantom
You are
Your own
Disappointment

You also know this

Tis why I am there
For you to hate
To ridicule
To loathe
Even though you don’t know me

I am an object, a puppet

But puppets last forever
The marionette is who falls in the end